Whole-Person Wellness Blog: Exploring the “E” in S.E.L.F

Our November blog will focus on the E in SELF: emotions. As a refresh, S.E.L.F., which stands for Safety, Emotions, Loss, and Future, is a problem-solving framework tool from the Sanctuary model. (Learn more about Sanctuary here.)

Let’s be honest: Emotions can be difficult to feel, experience, confront, and navigate. I experienced a situation that stirred a great deal of anger. My heart began to race, my breathing became quick and shallow, and my body temperature rose. It was an uncomfortable physical and emotional response.

At times, I can be passive-aggressive, impulsive, or quick to react. This time, instead of immediately responding to my anger, I paused and reflected on what it might be trying to tell me. Because there is always a story behind our emotions, I began to look beyond the anger itself.

I realized that several other emotions were present, too: sadness, hurt, grief, fear, and loneliness. Beneath it all, I felt misunderstood. If you have ever seen the “anger iceberg,” you know what I mean. What we see on the surface is anger, but beneath it may lie a much deeper mix of emotions, unmet needs, and experiences that are harder to express.

When we take a moment to understand our emotions and our body’s signals and cues, we can shift the trajectory completely. This is not an easy task, and it takes time. And, of course, we will act on our emotions from time to time. We are human.

As part of the Sanctuary model, we shift from asking “what is wrong with you?” to “what happened to you?” We understand our earliest experiences in life shape the way we view, interact, and see the world. It impacts how we handle stress, navigate conflict, and react when others are navigating conflict.

The “E” in SELF is vital. It creates space for emotional safety, helps us acknowledge the losses connected to our feelings, and equips us to navigate similar experiences more effectively in the future. Whatever emotions arise, remind yourself that it’s OK to feel them.