What you need to know about nonviolent communication
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”
— Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, leader and founder of nonviolent communication (His personal experience with anti-Semitism, hatred, and discrimination drove his life purpose as a traveling peacemaker, guiding others to look internally, address unmet needs and how they may impact others, and change the way we communicate.)
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is honestly expressing ourselves to others and empathetically hearing others. There are four components to nonviolent communication:
Observations: What we see or hear that we identify as the stimulus to our reactions.
Feelings: The emotional experience and physical sensations associated with our needs that have been met or remain unmet. Our aim is to identify, name, and connect with those feelings. When we own our feelings, we take responsibility for our experience.
Needs: Our needs are an expression of our deepest shared humanity. In the context of NVC, needs represent our core values and deepest human longings. Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs help us improve our relationship with ourselves and foster understanding with others, so we are all more likely to take actions that meet everyone’s needs.
Requests: In order to meet our needs, we make requests to assess how likely we are to get cooperation for particular strategies we have in mind for meeting our needs. Our aim is to identify and express a specific action that we believe will serve this purpose and then check with others involved about their willingness to participate in meeting our needs in this way.
Read more about the basics of nonviolent communication.
Another vital aspect of NVC is empathy and self-empathy. Empathy is our ability to compassionately connect with someone and their lived experience. Self-empathy is allowing that same compassion and understanding toward ourselves.
Based on our own belief systems or past lived experiences, communication can be difficult – especially in a moment filled with tension or stress. I can, at times, be a people pleaser, often jeopardizing my own needs for others. Learning this about myself allows me to take action. Becoming self-aware, acknowledging feelings, and identifying triggers can help with communicating in a nonviolent way.
NVC plays a role in the Sanctuary model, which The Wright Center has been working on implementing since 2022. (To read more about Sanctuary, click here.) One of Sanctuary’s seven commitments is nonviolence, which is much more than many would assume it would be. In Sanctuary terms, safety refers to not only physical safety but also moral, psychological, and social safety. Examples include:
Physical violence: Hitting, touching without permission, lunging toward, locking doors, and blocking single-point exits;
Moral violence: Controlling others to force an outcome with which they are not morally aligned without providing an alternative or safe means of exit;
Social violence: Gossip, bullying, exclusion, avoiding responsibilities, work dumping, name-calling, using position/relationship to coerce or manipulate, and silencing others;
Psychological/emotional violence: Victimizing, persecuting, rescuing, abandoning, and avoiding.
The most important aspect of this is to look internally. We can only change and observe our own patterns. Others are on their own journey.
Several years ago, when I was working on my yoga teacher training, I was fascinated by one of the Yamas (part of the eight limbs of yoga): Ahimsa, or nonviolence. This principle is the driving force behind our behaviors and actions in our daily lives and how we cultivate kindness – from the food we eat and the clothes we wear to how we interact with ourselves and others. We must recognize our thoughts and try to come back to Ahimsa in every moment.
Use these three questions before sharing thoughts that arise:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
This concept has become a guiding force and value in my daily life.
We all work in health care and deal with daily stressors at work and at home. Allow yourself some grace and remember Ahimsa.
Thank you,
Allison LaRussa, B.A, CPS, RYT (she/her)
Associate Vice President of Health and Wellness
